The topic of marriage has been on my mind a lot lately the last few weeks. My marriage…the marriage my husband just watched fall apart…the marriage I’m witnessing that is full of silence and frustration…the marriage of two people I know that are just making it work because of circumstance, but they don’t feel “in love” and never really have.
The marriage of two teenagers raising a kid and they’re yelling at each other in public. The marriages that ended on the phrase “it just wasn’t working anymore.” It seems like everywhere we go, marriage has become a curse and not a blessing like God designed it to be.
What is this thing called marriage? And why does it seem like nobody really makes it work? Why have we become too afraid to get married? There hasn’t been a single generation before us that decided getting married later in life is normal or the best for us…so why are we doing it now?
What about that couple that has grown old together? What about that 30 something couple that has older kids and just seem so in love and happy? They hug often and laugh together. Every once in a while there’s a glimmer of what God designed marriage to be. We see it. We can’t help but notice it because it’s so beautiful. God designed it to be that way. God designed marriage to be something that reflects who HE is.
So how do we find it? How do we get there? In a world that seems so far gone with broken people everywhere you look, how on earth do we feel comfortable getting married?!
I think right now we think of marriage very much like a new house that is ready to buy. You walk into a brand new house with your realtor or salesman, you decide you like it, maybe after comparing a few other places, you buy it.
We “look around” at people and consider what they have for us, just like buying a house. We consider how they’re going to make us comfortable. We want to be sure to pick the right one, the one that looks the best, the one that suits our tastes the most.
I think we have the right idea. Marriage is supposed to be a safe place. It’s supposed to be our home. But we go about it all wrong.
What if we choose to build the relationships? What if we decided to build things from the ground up and make a commitment even though it looks like a hole in the ground at the beginning, before we lay the foundation? What if we chose to look towards the future instead of focusing on how much it doesn’t look like other relationships? What if we looked at it as a work in progress, a tool to become a better person, and not the fix to our problems? What if we labored over the relationship with love? With commitment even though its scary because the other person could choose to stop being committed? With careful, slow decision-making? What if we decided that its going to be hard, but worth it to reflect God’s kingdom? What if we looked at each relationship as a tool that God is using to shape our hearts? What if we trusted Him and invested wisely in our relationships? What if we looked at each relationship as a means to glorify our Creator?
Now I’m not claiming I know everything about marriage! I’m only coming up on 6 years of being married to my favorite person, my one and only, my soulmate, and I still am learning DAILY what it means to be married. Guess what? He stinks sometimes! He makes disappointing decisions that I don’t understand sometimes. I just plain don’t like him sometimes! But I strongly believe that its our job to lead our hearts to love and respect our spouses. Its super easy to get caught up in shortfalls. Train yourself to remember the good and delight in that.
I’m going to leave you with a quote. Elisabeth Elliot once said something like this: “A person, if they are very generous, may allow that their spouse lives up to eighty percent of their expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that they’d like to change, and they may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it very much. OR simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy. It’s a down-to-earth illustration of a principle: Accept, positively and actively, what is given to you. Let thanksgiving be the habit of your life.”